


Live from New York (PG)

by Dee_Laundry



Category: A Bit of Fry and Laurie RPF, Damon/Affleck, House M.D. RPF
Genre: Other, Sketches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-08
Updated: 2006-08-08
Packaged: 2017-10-14 14:15:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/150071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dee_Laundry/pseuds/Dee_Laundry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matt & Ben and Hugh & Stephen set the record straight, so to speak.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Live from New York (PG)

**Author's Note:**

> It's not exactly RPF, in that it's a fictional work in which actors are playing a role as "themselves"... but close enough. I am in no way affiliated with Saturday Night Live (but if anyone wants to pass this idea along to Lorne Michaels, please do so).

Background: It’s late 2007 or early 2008. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck’s new movie is coming out (a legal drama from Touchstone). House, MD is still a smash hit, and Saturday Night Live has talked Hugh Laurie into hosting. About three sketches in or so we see the following:

\--Begin Scene--

*Lights come up. Matt, Ben, Hugh, and Stephen Fry are standing on the empty stage.*

BEN: Hello, everyone. I’m Ben Affleck.

MATT: I’m Matt Damon.

HUGH: *startled* Oh, my turn? Well, I’ve already introduced myself in the monologue, Hugh Laurie, it’s a pleasure. Many of you know my good friend Stephen Fry, writer, comedian, actor.

STEPHEN: I’m a bit of a narrator as well. Did _Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy_ and the Harry Potter movies.

MATT: Oh, yeah, that’s why your voice sounded familiar!

BEN: So, Matt and I have a movie coming out soon: _In Pursuit of Justice_ from Touchstone. This is the first movie we’ve starred in together in, wow, a long while.

MATT: Really, _Dogma_ was the last, in 1999.

BEN: One of the things that happened in the late ‘90s, when we were working together a lot, was that there was a lot of innuendo, and rumors started going around that we were actually gay.

MATT: People thought we were together, you know, as a couple.

BEN: Totally not true.

STEPHEN: Really? Pity.

BEN: Not true. So, we’ve been a little worried that maybe those rumors might start floating again. Then one day, I was talking with my good friend Hugh here – *gesturing to audience* Wait, you all know Hugh and I are good friends, right?

HUGH: Bosom chums. Tea every Sunday.

BEN: Right. Talking with Hugh, I found out that he and Stephen had run into a similar kind of issue over in England in the ‘80s and ‘90s, when their series _A Bit of Fry and Laurie_ and _Jeeves and Wooster_ were out.

HUGH: Too right.

STEPHEN: Mmm, yes.

BEN: So we decided that since Hugh was going to be hosting SNL anyway, that we’d take this opportunity to set the record straight.

STEPHEN: So to speak.

MATT: Ben and I are not now, and never have been, in a sexual or romantic relationship with each other.

HUGH: Same for Stephen and myself.

BEN: We are unequivocally not gay.

HUGH: Except Stephen.

MATT: Stephen’s gay?

STEPHEN: Mmm, quite.

BEN: Oh yeah, that’s right. Well, you’re gay, but it’s the witty, amusing, non-threatening kind of gay.

MATT: Go, girlfriend!

BEN: *Rolls eyes* Not the “has actual sex with other men” kind of gay.

STEPHEN: Well, thank you. “Appeal to the widest possible audience” has always been my credo.

HUGH: Yes, so Stephen’s witty, but the rest of us are completely straight.

BEN: Yep. Except Matty’s name is kind of gay. You know, with that “e” sound at the end.

MATT: Hey!

BEN: And, Hugh, you’re British, so over here in the States, you might as well be gay.

HUGH: I beg your pardon?

MATT: It’s true. British men are seen as kind of light in the loafers. Wait, I take that back.

HUGH: Thank you!

MATT: Ireland and Scotland, they’re part of Great Britain, too, right? Irish guys are OK – your Colin Farrells and so forth. And Scottish guys, even with the skirts, they come off as butch. It’s really just your snooty Englishmen who seem gay.

HUGH: I’m not snooty! Stephen! Don’t you have anything to say about this?

STEPHEN: Hugh, m’colleague, you are a paragon of the masculine virtues.

HUGH: Thank you.

STEPHEN: With long lovely artist's fingers and the eyelashes of an angel.

HUGH: *huffy, slight glare at Stephen*

MATT: And, you know, Ben, _Gigli_ was kind of gay.

BEN: Hey, don’t go there.

STEPHEN: Matthew, I’m disappointed in you. Calling _Gigli_ gay is an insult to the homosexual community.

MATT: *contritely* Stephen, you’re right. I apologize. That was thoughtless and rude of me.

STEPHEN: Because we all know that _Pearl Harbor_ is clearly the gayest film in Ben’s oeuvre.

BEN: Hey!

STEPHEN: It’s true. The flowered shirts, the soft focus filters–in a war movie, no less–and Danny and Rafe spending the night together in that car…

MATT: What about _Daredevil_? Ben’s wearing the tight red leather pants, leering at Colin, practically no heat with Jennifer Garner at all.

BEN: That’s my wife, Matty. Back off.

STEPHEN: Your wife? Hmm.

HUGH: In _Mallrats_ , Ben admits to preferring backdoor love.

BEN: With girls! And that was my character!

STEPHEN: Least gay performance for Mr. Affleck? Holden in _Chasing Amy_.

MATT: Oh, for sure.

HUGH: That kiss with Jason Lee was forced and uncomfortable.

STEPHEN: No chemistry whatsoever. Pity, really. Holden and Banky would’ve made a nice couple.

BEN: Ahem, getting back to the real us!

HUGH: What were we talking about?

BEN: How we are heterosexual men, except witty, celibate Stephen, who do heterosexual things and have heterosexual relationships.

HUGH: Yes, just some heterosexual-

BEN: *holds up a hand* Stop.

MATT: *shaking his head, looking at Hugh* Dude, not helping us.

HUGH: I’m just repeating what you said.

BEN: That was the gayest reading of the word “heterosexual” ever.

HUGH: What? *looks at Stephen*

STEPHEN: *raises eyebrows and shrugs*

BEN: Here. Listen to Matt say it.

MATT: *deep voice* Heterosexual.

BEN: Much better.

STEPHEN: If you say so.

BEN: Anyway, Matt and I, and Hugh and Stephen, are just regular guys who are friends.

HUGH: Nothing more.

MATT: In any way.

STEPHEN: Indeed.

BEN: Glad we’ve cleared that up. Thanks and good night.

*The lighting changes. The four men all relax.*

HUGH: Well, I think that went extraordinarily well.

STEPHEN: I’m glad to have done it.

MATT: It should definitely have reached our audience. *indicating Ben and himself* Maybe not yours as much?

STEPHEN: There’s always YouTube.com. Someone’s bound to post it.

HUGH: Maybe “FryLover22” will?

STEPHEN: Don’t give away all my secrets, diddums.

BEN: *laughs and claps Matt on the shoulder* Good job. *crosses to Stephen and slips an arm around him* Ready to go, Papa Bear?

HUGH: *starts leering at Matt with a mischievous grin*

MATT: *looking back at Hugh, million watt smile*

STEPHEN: Any time you are, darling. *grabs Ben and licks his neck slowly*

HUGH: *grabs at Matt’s ass, tickling him*

MATT: *jumps* Hugh! Hugh! *trying to push Hugh’s hand away but laughing at the same time*

HUGH: *chases Matt toward the wings, trying to tickle his ass*

MATT: Hugh! Save it for the dressing room!

*Ben & Stephen are still wrapped around each other mid-stage as Hugh and Matt run off.*

\--End Scene--


End file.
